


promise you won't let me drown

by BittersweetMeph



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: AU - No Magic, Alternate Universe, BDSM, Dom/sub, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Therapy, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:22:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8674363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BittersweetMeph/pseuds/BittersweetMeph
Summary: After a suicide attempt Credence is assigned to a caretaker who has a very different life outside his job.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Notes on their appearance: Credence has Ezra’s shoulder-length hair and Graves has hair from the FB. Although it's in the story it's easier to have the image since the beginning.  
> Credence is 24 and Graves is 32.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy oh boy am i nervous posting this work. i always wanted to write bdsm but i wasn't confident enough to do so (i'm still not). and then there was those two and the "recovery after suicide attempt" just made sense to me, you know. i have the feeling that some people may find this work offensive in a way. but. i don't know. i've just read the similar one but with ptsd and it was okay? so. if i'm gonna get criticised for that - let it be.  
> but i feel like if i manage to finish this work then i'll improve as a writer.  
> bear with me on this -wild- ride.

A fluorescent lamp on the ceiling flickered. An empty hallway was reeking of loneliness and it didn’t match the purpose of this place - to make you feel needed and loved.  
Credence slightly clenched his right hand and saw ink on the leaflet being smeared from the touch of his fingertips. His left hand was lying on his lap wrapped in bandage cloth.  
The top leaflet was bright orange. “Choose life”. Credence looked at it with expressionless face and put it inside another leaflet which was at least dark blue.  
The place didn’t have a distinctive smell and white walls. The hospital had already started to make him feel sick so it was an upgrade in a way.  
After ten or so minutes of waiting he was let into the room. The man who invited him went to his desk and closed a file. Probably it was Credence’s medical history. He’d seen it despite doctors’ attempt to hide the notes. Depression. Suicide attempt. Then the list of prescribed medicine and therapy.  
“Please, take a sit”, the man offered with a polite smile.  
Great, another one, thought Credence. For the past two months he saw so much people that he started classifying them. The ones that avoid talking about your suicide and pretend that everything is normal; smile and laugh nervously a lot. The ones that talk only about your suicide; try to touch you and cry a lot. The ones who try to understand you but can’t help you. The ones that do know how to help you but they’re so fed up with their patients that you involuntary want to die just so you won’t have to visit them.  
Credence wondered which type this person matched.  
“My name is Percival Graves, I’m a caretaker. You can address me any way you want”.  
Percival was older than Credence but his attitude didn’t feel that patronizing.  
“Mr. Graves, if it’s fine with you”, the younger man shrugged and put a few strands of shoulder-length hair behind his ear.  
“It is. And you?..”, he was waiting for a version of the name that the other man would like.  
Oh, nice. The illusion of choice and control. He might as well begin counting time until this Mr.Graves starts telling him that life is good and he has so much to live for and… whatever else they memorise for the patients like him.  
“Credence”, he restrained himself from sighing too loud.  
“It’s very nice to meet you, Credence”, polite smile. And…no. No, no, no. For a second there was fondness in Graves’ eyes. No, this can’t be. It’s what people do when they’re scared of a suicidal person. Don’t raise your hopes that anyone could understand you, Credence thought.  
They went through regular procedure of formal questions. Do you eat well? What meds are you taking? Did you take them this morning? How do you feel?  
No questions about the reason he did what he did. No mentions of what triggered him. No pressure to answer. They are taught not to remind, not to cause any more damage, not to provoke another attempt. The perfect illusion that everything is okay. 

 

“It is said here”, Graves pointed at the medical card, “that you live with two other people. One of them is working and the other is going to the university. I will come visit you when the last person leaves and go away when at least one of them is home”

Oh, yeah, he shouldn’t stay alone. That’s why his sister brought him here. She needs to study and he needs to stay alive.

 

***  
They must have discussed it on the phone because while Modesty was getting ready to leave there was a knock on the door.  
“Oh, hello, Mr. Graves. You’re just in time”, his sister had a weak voice of a person who went through a lot. From time to time Credence heard sad undertones. “He’s in his room”, despite Modesty's the attempt to be quiet Credence still heard it. He closed his diary which doctors advised him to keep and tossed it away.  
The door was slowly closed. The noise from Percival taking off his boots was heard in the hallway. Then the steps.  
“Good morning, Credence”, the man’s voice wasn’t too cheerful although it definitely sounded optimistic and confident. Graves did have a nice low steady voice with subtle Irish accent.  
He ran fingers through his hair which were quite long but still much much shorter than Barebone’s and checked if Credence had already had breakfast and took his pills. When he received a positive answer Percival said “Good” with such satisfaction on his face that Credence felt like he won an award. That was…something. The young man was still puzzled and didn’t know how to react when Percival got out of his room. 

The day was mostly uneventful. Graves was checking on Credence every twenty or so minutes - he either asked him what he was doing or actually came into the room. And, which was the most surprising part for Credence, it wasn’t annoying. When it was time for lunch Graves heated up soup that was left on the stove (possibly another instruction from Modesty) and then told the young man that his food was ready.  
So, no choice. He had to obey. Nice way of getting him to eat. 

Not so long afterwards Modesty came back from her classes and Graves left. 

 

***

“So.. how’s Mr. Graves?”, Modesty asked casually.  
“He’s okay”, Credence answered while chewing his dinner.  
When he just got out of the hospital Modesty used to bring food to his room. Then the doctors might have suggested that she stop doing that. Make shirt-term plans. Let him look forward to something.  
Credence grew rather fond of this tradition. Everything was shit lately and only during the dinner they could chat with his sister without concentrating purely on Credence. She still asked him if he felt alright but now she wasn’t on the verge of tears every time Credence answered with “Not really”.

Modesty was satisfied with his opinion on the caretaker and continued telling her brother about new subjects at the university. 

One of the things he wrote in his diary was: “First day of Graves being here. Seems too optimistic. Might be type one (the smiley ones). Nice eyebrows.”

***  
The morning met Credence with a gentle murmur of someone’s voice. He opened his eyes and saw Percival in front of his bed shaking him by the shoulder.  
“Oh, you’re finally awake”, Graves smiled broadly with no accusation. “Good morning”. He started to straighten up and his gaze fell lower where Credence’s left arm was lying on the bed palm up. He quickly tore his eyes away and coughed politely pretending to look around the room.  
Credence pulled the blanket over his left hand. He didn’t put bandage at nights because this way the wound would heal faster. Now he regretted not covering his wrist the previous night. He didn’t want to show this, he didn’t want pity. 

When Graves asked him about his plans Credence shared his ambition to write a script for a small program that day and Percival looked at him with some sort of admiration in his eyes and he said that he would try his best to keep the young man motivated.  
Credence was about to say he didn’t need it when he actually got interested in ways Graves would encourage him. 

 

Credence got though his morning routine pretty quickly. He decided to have breakfast in his room in front of the computer just so he wouldn’t forget all the ideas for the program. When the general overlay was done Credence told his caretaker about it.  
Graves congratulated him first and then after a few minutes he brought Credence tea which didn’t taste like any tea they had in their house. Percival must have brought his own. That particular fact amused Credence and made him smile into his cup. Did he want to make him tea anyway? 

When the young man was halfway done with his little project and announced it Graves came into the room with a strange look in his face like he didn’t know how to word his thoughts.  
“I should’ve asked you first, really…”, he stood beside Credence. “But since you’ve made such progress already I didn’t have time to check. So…are you okay with a massage? I understand if you’re not, I’ll think of something else”  
Credence raised an eyebrow. His back did feel stiff from sitting at the table but…letting almost a complete stranger touch him was unnerving.  
“You can tell me if you don’t like it and I’ll stop at any moment”  
Well, that pretty much sold it. The possibility of ending the unpleasant situation felt…different. Even if it was just an illusion of control, it still seemed good. 

Credence stayed in his chair and Graves was fine with it. He put his arms on younger man’s shoulders and started to make circling motions with his thumbs. From shoulders he went up on his neck, being even more gentle. When warm fingers began to rub the skin at the base of his skull Credence closed his eyes. He felt his hair being lifted and soft hands on his skin and, oh, it was nice.  
Graves went back down to his shoulders and then the spine. He didn’t dig deep into the skin especially near the backbone but paid attention to trapezoid muscle so it let go of tension and relaxed. Credence was close to purring by the time Graves finished.  
It took his a few seconds for him to realise that he wasn’t being touched anymore.  
“Erm…thanks”, the young man smoothed his hair and went back to writing the script. He tried not to look at Graves who was smiling because of little blush on Credence’s cheeks. 

About twenty minutes later Modesty got home. 

***  
The next day was Saturday which meant that his sister only had to go to her work at the coffee-shop for a few hours.  
When Graves arrived, Credence showed him the final result of a program. It was just calculator but with a different type of commands and the interface looked interesting and complicated in a way.  
After a praise Graves invited Credence to join him in the kitchen. Percival put the kettle on and opened the cupboard to take out the cups.  
“There are pastries in my bag, can you bring them here, please?”  
Credence stood up from the chair he was occupying and went to the living room where the bag was.  
He opened it with a sigh and took out the plastic container with pastries. And when he was about to close the bag his eyes caught a glimpse of what was also lying in the bag.  
It was handcuffs. Black leather handcuffs.  
Graves must have remembered about this object because he suddenly appeared in the living room with a scared look on his face. Credence was still holding the container. The kettle in the kitchen started whistling but nobody moved to turn it off.

To say that it was awkward was to say nothing. The two did change their location but it didn’t improve much.  
Percival was standing on one side of the table and Credence was on the other. The pastries were in the middle of the table.  
“What were you going to do with them?” blurted out Credence finally breaking the silence.  
“If you’re asking if I was going to use them on you, then no. I was meant to give it to my friend.”  
“Is your friend into that?”  
“Into what, Credence?”, Graves tilted his head and crossed his arms over the chest.  
“Into…that. I…I don’t know…”, he gestured in the air without saying much.  
“My friend is into BDSM, yes. And so am I. That doesn’t affect my work. If you didn’t find the handcuffs you might’ve never known about this part of my life, I assure you.”  
Credence opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.  
Graves sighed.  
“If you want to change your caretaker, fine. I’ll talk to Modesty”  
“No”, Credence almost shouted. He was getting used to Graves and he wasn’t ready to meet any other people. “No, you can stay. I want you to stay”.  
Percival studied him for a moment with his brows furrowed and then changed his expression into a welcoming smile.  
“Great. Then let’s have some tea”.

***  
“Credence, are you feeling alright?”, Modesty inquired while putting food into her plate.  
“Yeah…I’m good”, and it wasn’t a complete lie. But he couldn’t stop thinking about his conversation with Graves that day. Did Modesty know? No, that was unlikely. He said it didn’t interfere with work. And what would’ve happened if Credence told her?  
“Hey, Mo...”, his sister turned her head. He considered his words for a second. Then, “How was your day?”  
“Oh, it was quite good actually. And what about you, Tom?”  
Thomas was their sister’s, Chastity’s, husband. He rarely joined them at the table since he spent almost all his time at work burying himself into papers in order to distract himself from mourning.  
“Good”, he answered absentmindedly.  
Credence and Modesty knew that it was the most they could get from him so they switched the topic. 

The page of a diary was later filled with the next words: “Graves told me a secret. And now, I think, it’s also my secret. Note: to google”.

That night Credence went to bed much later than he usually did. His head was buzzing with all the information he got from the web. And he didn’t know yet how to react to it.  
Although he did clear his search history, just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know how fucked up this idea is so feel free to tell me about it in the comments.  
> any feedback is appreciated.
> 
> (i'm writing gradence au, i'm one level lower in the trash)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm having way too much fun writing this and way not enough time to do so.  
> haha, i'm pretty sure that as soon as i get to the actual scenes i'm going to quit this and ao3 in general because this is gonna suck :) i guell we'll see. maybe it won't be so bad. you decide.

It was a bright Sunday morning. The curtains didn’t help much and the sunlight was getting into the room and hitting the walls reflecting from them. Credence opened his eyes and sighed. Normal people go to the church on Sundays. The Barebones go to the therapist.

Modesty held the door when they were entering the hospital. The familiar smell brought some unpleasant memories in both siblings. They didn’t talk about it. Nothing could be changed so they might as well try to ignore it.  
The elevator stopped at the ninth floor. A little bell announced the doors being open.  
Therapists’ wing was also made in white colours, the only difference between it and any other wing of the hospital was that the hallways contained much less objects and the windows couldn’t be opened.  
In case patients go mental. In case doctors do shitty job. 

“Mrs. Pomfrey is awaiting you”, said the secretary.  
Modesty sat on the chair near the door. Credence must go alone. Modesty would come in later to speak with the doctor privately. Credence didn’t know what exactly they were talking about and to be honest he didn’t want to know.  
Mrs. Pomfrey was sitting at her table. When Credence entered her office she got up and invited the young man to sit in one of the armchairs while she sat in another.  
Eye contact. No barriers like tables or any other obstacles between them. Open pose - no crossed arms or legs. A smile.  
Credence read about it when he was at school. Little did he know he would witness this psychology tricks in person. 

“How are you, Credence?”, the therapist had a soft voice. He fell for this kindness. He trusted Mrs. Pomfrey. Although he understood that was just one of many patients.  
Type four. They know how to help you but they’re fed up with you.  
However it wasn’t that bad. The meds were sort of working and Credence did believe this sessions made him feel better. Just remembering the first couple of sessions made him his wonder how he was even existing. Every memory from two years ago was gloomy. Only in the past couple of months he started remembering and taking in things clearly.  
Now they rarely mentioned his older sister and if they did Credence didn’t have a panic attack anymore. It was definitely a progress. 

They went through his medication to check if it needed any adjustments. When the usual questions were answered, Mrs. Pomfrey asked another one.  
“What else had happened since your last visit?”  
“I…I got a caretaker”  
Mrs. Pomfrey smiled when Credence mentioned Percival’s name.  
“And what do you think about him?”  
“He’s nice”  
And after a moment of thinking, “I want to try one new thing. But I’m afraid.”  
“Is this going to hurt you?”  
“No. Maybe not. I don’t know”, Credence lowered his eyes.  
“Did someone pressure you into this?”, she still hadn’t asked what that was. He was thankful because he wasn’t sure he would be able to explain it.  
“No. I found it myself”, he moved in his seat. It was a half-lie so he didn’t know how to feel about it.  
“Are you going to do…this… with someone?”, she inclined forward.  
“Yes”  
“Does this person know about you?”, she meant his suicide attempt. It was helpful to tell people that he did that. Hi, I tried to kill myself, and what about you?  
“Yes”, he made eye contact again.  
Mrs. Pomfrey considered something for a moment and then said a simple “Okay”.

Credence left the office feeling better than he ever did. He had a permission from his therapist. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t aware what he was talking about. He had a short term goal - to speak with Mr. Graves. 

Little did he know that his mood decided to simulate a rollercoaster later that day. From on of the highest points for the past month down to the bottom.

***

It was one of those evenings.  
The memories just kept coming, one after another, sometimes softly transitioning, sometimes rudely interrupting each other.

The childhood. Chastity is getting ready for her first day in high school and spends all morning in front of the mirror. Credence is playing video games in the living room where Modesty is drawing with her new crayons. 

One day Credence comes home with a bruised eye. Chastity takes a pack of ice cream from the freezer and gives it to Credence while trying to find out who hit him. He doesn’t say but she knows. She always knows.  
Later Chastity comes to his room and explains that some people may not accept him for who he is. Not because he did something wrong but because they were taught to think this narrow way. He shouldn’t let them get into his head. Credence hugs his sister. He never had to come out. Chastity just knew that her brother was gay and supported him. 

He wanted to come back to that moment. He wanted to hug his sister again.  
He missed her so much. 

Credence realised it was late when he had troubles seeing in his room. He got up and turned the lights on.  
Sounds were coming from the kitchen that told him Modesty was there. And still she felt so far away. The idea of her coming into his room if he called her was bizarre.  
The idea of tomorrow morning coming at all was bizarre as well.  
It was one of those nights that he wasn’t sure he’d survive. He had a lot of those in the past year and a half.

Credence sat on his bed. He closed his eyes and remembered what his therapist told him.  
Ground yourself in the moment. Concentrate on your breathing. Your lungs fill with air. Your ribcage moves. You’re alive.  
Think about what’s happening right now around you.  
_I’m in my room. My little sister Modesty is in the room next to me. Thomas is asleep in his bedroom. Or he’s crying._  
Gosh, he wanted to cry himself. He didn’t know if he had anything left. After Chastity’s death he bawled his eyes out every day.  
_No. Don’t think about her._  
Forbid.  
You’ll be able to talk about her later.  
Not now.  
Let yourself heal. Let yourself live. 

Alright, was else was in there? Ah, plans for the future. Little goals that are easy to achieve.  
He’s going to have dinner with Modesty. He’ll ask her about her day.  
He’ll write about his day in the diary and go to sleep.  
Mr.Graves will visit him tomorrow. _Will he?_

A sudden wave of uncertainty hit Credence. He needed to talk to Mr. Graves. Right now.  
Throughout the dinner he couldn’t concentrate on a single thing Modesty was saying. When she noticed her brother’s behaviour he hushed her voice and asked what was wrong.  
“Can you give me Mr. Graves’ number?”  
“Sure”  
Modesty didn’t ask why. She didn’t try to fix him herself.  
He was so thankful for her. When she found the number Credence got up and hugged her tightly. 

A few simple movements of his finger and he was calling Mr. Graves from his phone. Long beeps were heard through the speaker. Only at that moment Credence looked at the clock and got shocked by how late it was. He was about to hang up when the sleepy voice answered the call.  
“Yes?”  
“Um… Mr. Graves. I woke you up, didn’t I?”, it was pretty embarrassing.  
“No”, definitely a lie. After a pause, “Credence, what happened? Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?”, his voice became less sleepy and hoarse with each sentence.  
“No. No, no, I’m okay. I just…”, now the reason he called would sound even more stupid. “I just wanted to ask…Will you come tomorrow?”, he knew he was so annoying saying that.  
“Yes, why wouldn’t I?”, it must have been the result of Graves waking up without his own will and Credence understood that but just this little remark made him feel like shit. _Why do you call me in the middle of the night just to ask if I’m gonna do my job? Why do you even know my number? How long are you going to behave like this?_  
Credence’s breathing became uneven. He still hadn’t said anything and now a panic attack was preventing him from breaking the silence.  
“Credence? Credence, listen to me. Breathe. Slowly. Close your eyes and inhale while I’m counting to eight. One. Two…”  
Graves’ voice was calming. After filling his lungs with air the young man began exhaling just as slowly.  
“Credence, I’ll come in the morning. Now drink some tea and go to sleep”

The panic attack sucked all the power he had left. He barely managed to put the kettle on and didn’t even make it through half of his cup.  
As soon as his head hit the pillow he fell asleep.

***

Credence still wasn’t completely sure Graves would come. Only when there was a knock on the door before Modesty left and a familiar voice was heard in the hallway Credence let go of breath he didn’t know he was holding. He got out of his bed and trotted to the hallway to greet his caretaker.  
Percival had just taken off his shoes and now he was holding his bad which visibly contained more stuff than it used to.  
“Good morning, Credence”, he smiled.  
“Morning”, answered the young man and followed Graves into the living room.  
Credence halted near the door observing Percival who was taking out some papers from his bag and laying them of the sofa.  
“I need to do some work, hope you won’t mind”, he gestured to the pile next to him.  
“Yeah, sure”, Credence didn’t move forward and the way he shyly put his arms behind him pointed out his poorly-hidden desire to say something.  
Graves noticed odd behaviour and looked at the young man expectantly.  
Credence opened his mouth and blurted out: “Do you want tea…or coffee?” furrowing his eyebrows in disbelief that he said something like that which obviously wasn’t the thing he wanted to say.  
Graves waited for a few seconds to see if Credence would change his mind regarding his question and then simply said “Coffee, please”.

But the strange behaviour continued throughout the day. Credence was constantly around Graves either walking by or actually talking to him abound random stuff.  
Modesty was going to arrive only in time for dinner and after studying his wristwatch Percival realised he was just near the middle of his work day.  
After they had lunch Credence volunteered to do the dishes. Graves didn’t want to leave him so he stayed at the kitchen.  
“Mr. Graves….”, Credence started tentatively.  
_Here we go_ , thought Graves but answered with “Yes?”  
There was a pause that showed the young man’s uncertainty and his struggle with picking right words.  
Graves didn’t push.  
“I wanted to ask you. But. It’s kind of personal”  
_Interesting._  
“I want you to tell me…more”, he turned off the faucet and a couple of last drops hit the sink “about BDSM”  
The silence was deafening.  
“What?”, Graves honestly believed he misheard.  
“Don’t get me wrong, I looked on the Internet but it’s not the same”, Credence came closer and the water from his hands dribbled on the floor.  
“Credence, wait”, Graves raised his hand and let air out in confusion. He then took the towel and gave it to Credence so he wouldn’t wet the tiles anymore. “Why would you even…No. No, this wasn’t supposed to happen and this is my fault. Please forget about it”, he turned to leave the kitchen but then Credence appeared in front of him still holding the towel.  
“But Mr. Graves! Please… pleeeeease”, he tried to use the whiny way to get what he wanted. Graves was having none of that.  
“Alright, that’s enough”, he wasn’t loud but the words sounded so steady and calm and yet with such power behind them that Credence froze and felt a shiver going up his spine. He wasn’t able to say anything because it felt like a violation of Graves’ words.  
“I told you. Forget about this”, and with that Percival left the kitchen.  
_Fine_ , thought Credence, _there are other ways._

***

A quiet rustle of papers and occasional scratching of the pencil were the only sounds in the living room. By the time Graves took care of third of his work he remembered not hearing anything from Credence in a long while. When he was about to stand up and check on the young man Credence himself entered the room. He looked just the same except for his face expression. The lifted corner of his mouth made him look quirky and the light in his eyes reminded Graves of little devils.  
Credence circled around him going from one side of the room to the other which looked like he was observing his prey.  
Percival also smiled with one corner of his lips and sat back leaning on the couch.  
“Mr. Graves. Have you thought about my request?”  
“Yes, I did, Credence”, the young man’s eyes glinted with hope for a moment.  
“And?..”  
“The answer is still no”  
The smile faded away from Credence’s face.  
He slowly approached the sofa and took about ten sheets of paper.  
“They must be important to you”, he looked through couple of pages and then stacking them together he tried to tear them apart.  
Only as soon as he tensed the muscles in his left forearm he gave out a small cry of pain and let go of all the papers grabbing his wrist. It felt like it was bleeding, although it wasn’t, obviously. But the pain was strong.  
Graves got up in a matter of seconds and made Credence sit on the sofa. Percival knelt down in front of him.  
“Shh”, he cupped the young man’s hands with his. “Do you have any medication for this?”  
Credence nodded, named the medicine and explained where it was.  
After two or three minutes Graves was back in the living room with a pill and a glass of water.  
They sat in silence for a while, Credence putting the cold glass over his scar and Graves closely watching him. Percival wished for a clock on the wall so he could count minutes they spent like this.  
Finally, he decided to speak. 

“Why did you ask me about BDSM?”, they both knew their conversation wasn’t over.  
“Because there’s so much on the Internet. All this people in leather and masks. And I can’t imagine you like that”  
“I don’t wear leather. I prefer the casual clothes even in the scene. But if the sub wants it then I can make an exception”.  
“Have you ever been a sub yourself?”, Credence was still picking his words carefully but the more Graves answered to him the more confident he became.  
“Tried it a few times in the beginning but then I realised I enjoyed being dom much more”  
“And do you…hit your subs for every mistake they make?” his voice went back to being shaky and unsure.  
“No, Credence. Only in the scene and only if I know that they want it. I don’t support violence for the sake of it”.  
Credence continued to study the carpet. Even his long hair couldn’t hide the fact he was blushing because of the conversation. 

“You didn’t answer my question”, no accusation, just naming the fact. “Why did you ask me about this in the first place?”, his tone told Credence that he already knew the reason but he wanted to hear it.  
“I want… I want to try it”, Credence finally lifted his eyes and looked straight at Graves.  
“Are you sure? Credence, are you completely sure?”  
“Yes”, the young man clenched his jaw.  
Percival sighed and rubbed his eyes.  
“Promise me one thing, Credence. Promise you won’t use this as a punishment for whatever guilt you think you have. Promise me you don’t think you deserve pain because BDSM is not about it, it’s more complicated. Can you promise me that?”  
Credence bit his lip and lowered his gaze a little. Then after making up his mind he looked at Graves confidently and said: “Yes, I promise”.  
Percival pushed out a smile. “Then we’ll have to figure out when we’re gonna do that so your sister wouldn’t call the police if she finds out”.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back.  
> Sorry for a long break.  
> Half of the reason of my absence was my exams and the other half was how afraid I was to write this stuff. But now I'm armed with new knowledge and ready to write scenes. I guess.

They decided to talk on Tuesday, which was right the next day. It gave them both time to think about it properly.  
Graves promised there would be no scene which Credence was thankful for. He still didn’t know what he wanted. He just saw handcuffs and read some information on the Internet. He wasn’t even sure BDSM would be his thing but the idea of someone else in control was…intriguing. And also a bit scary.

Graves was even earlier than usual and Modesty invited him to have breakfast with her and Credence. The latter was already visibly nervous.  
“Good morning”, Percival said cheerfully and sat on the chair.  
Credence hummed something which sounded remotely like “Morning”. His knee was shaking.  
Graves could tell that something was off and then he remembered their arrangement. Right.  
When Modesty went to the sink to wash her plate Graves put his hand on young man’s knee and squeezed just a little to give some reassurance. Credence stopped his leg from moving and looked at the palm on top of his jeans. It did feel nice.  
Percival retrieved his hand soon enough for Modesty not to notice anything. 

Modesty pecked her brother on the cheek, grabbed her lunch and went away leaving two men in silence.  
Graves stood up first.  
“Where would you be more comfortable, Credence?”  
“In my room, I guess”  
Percival made a mental note. A topic they were going to discuss was quite intimate and Credence didn’t even want to relocate himself to the living room. He preferred privacy and intimacy. Graves was on the same page regarding this.  
Credence followed Percival into the room and lingered behind the other man. Graves took the chair which previously was near the table and placed it in front of the bed. He then sat on it and gestured Credence to sit on the said bed.  
“Alright, Credence. Tell me what got you interested in the idea of trying BDSM”  
“I used to think that pain was just a bad thing. But maybe it’s not? I don’t know. I guess, I just wanted someone to guide me, to tell me what to do”  
“Be careful with your words, Credence. You don’t want to do everything you’re told. Don’t say you’re obedient like that. Somebody might hurt you”  
Shivers went down Credence’s spine. He didn’t know what to say. Suddenly he wanted to get out of the room.  
Graves noticed the change in the mood.  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you”, he leaned forward and positioned his elbows on his knees. The tips of Percival’s fingers were just couple of inches away from touching Credence’s legs.  
“There’s a rule in our community. ‘SSC’. It stands for ‘Safe, Sane and Consensual’. Before we do anything we talk. Negotiate. We are equal humans here”  
It seemed to calm Credence down enough for him to stay in the room.  
“Okay…okay. Talking is fine”, he had to do it a lot recently. Answering all the questions from doctors, nurses. Communication was the key to everything, although sometimes Barebone felt more like shutting off and not speaking with people. He tried that a few times at first but then his mind was almost killing him with all the thoughts that rushed through. So Credence would much rather say what’s bothering him and cry rather than say nothing and find himself on the bathroom floor trying to find a reason not to end all the suffering once and for all.  
“Good. First of all, I need you to understand that what we do is for mutual pleasure. I will give you orders - adequate, of course - but if you feel like you won’t be able to obey or if anything during our scene is uncomfortable you should use a safe-word. And I suggest a simple system of a street light”  
Graves made a small pause to make sure Credence was not freaking out. It was quite the opposite, the young man was listening closely and he thought of a small pause as a signal for him to answer.  
“So, like, red is stop, green is go and yellow is get away from the road?”  
Percival smiled but not in a pity way.  
“Almost, yeah. I may ask you for a colour if I see that you’re unsure or if I’m not able to read your body language. If you say ‘Green’ we continue what we were doing and this way you’re telling me that you’re alright. But I don’t want you to wait for my question. If something is wrong but you don’t want to stop completely or you want to make adjustments, you say “Yellow”. We discuss what’s wrong and move on. But if you feel that we should stop the whole scene, then it’s ‘Red’. Don’t be scared to use stop-words. I don’t know how you react to certain things because everybody is different. But also don’t say ‘Yellow’ or ‘Red’ as a joke or as a way of manipulating me. I hope this is clear”  
Credence sighed. He had a lot to process.  
“This should be enough for now”, Graves sat back on the chair. “Think about it”, he took the chair, put it next to the table and left the room.

***  
Since Modesty was at the university during the first half of the day and then she had to go to work until the evening, Credence and Percival had lunch together. It was uncommonly quiet in the kitchen. Graves was occupied with his phone and Credence didn’t feel like talking. After they ate, they once again went to separate rooms.

When Graves was starting to forget about their conversation, Credence entered the living room shyly and lingered by the door.  
At first Percival didn’t even notice him because he was still bothered by his work but then he saw the young man.  
“Credence, if you want to ask something, just ask”  
“Mr. Graves, I knew you said there won’t be a scene today but I don’t think I can wait until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow and I just want to try but…”  
_Impatient._  
“But what, Credence?”  
“I don’t want anything…you know… I don’t want to have sex”  
“Scenes don’t necessarily include sex”, Graves put aside his papers. He then approached Credence and while looking at him said firm “Follow me”.

As soon as they entered the room Graves closed the curtains and turned on the lamp that was on the table. Then he came back to the door but didn’t fully close it leaving a gap so they could hear if someone arrived.  
The walls became dark blue and only the light from the lamp was brighting them up. Everything became more intimate and less real.  
Credence was still standing in the middle of the room and Graves brushed his back with the tips of his fingers on the way to the bed which he sat on. He looked at Credence, studied him from head to toe.  
He noticed that the young man wasn’t wearing bandage cloth on his left wrist and somehow it made everything even more important. Credence was showing his scars. Graves mentally praised the other man and decided that he would make his first experience worth it.  
“During our scenes you will call me “Sir”. It shows your respect and it is also easier to understand when the scene is over”, Graves put one of his legs on top of the other and also placed both of his palms on top of it. “Repeat your safe-words”  
“Green, yellow and red”, he wondered if he was to say “sir” in the end and he did just in case.  
“Good”, Graves smiled proudly. “Now I want to look at you. Strip”  
Credence lingered for a moment. He didn’t know what he expected but he seemed conflicted for a second. Graves gave him time to get naked or to stop everything. But Credence couldn’t back off. He was way too interested.  
The t-shirt was got rid off first, it was the easiest thing. The jeans were also okay. Credence thought he could get away with throwing his clothes on the floor but Graves thought differently. As soon as denim hit the floor, he said “Pick up your clothes, fold it and put on the chair”.  
Credence didn’t have a problem with that and obeyed rather willingly.  
Then he realised he still wasn’t completely naked. He pulled off his socks and put it on the chair as well but it was just a distraction, an excuse not to take his pants off.  
Graves noticed it, of course.  
“You can keep your pants on”  
Credence exhaled with relief. He didn’t know what to do with his arms so he just folded them in the small of his back. Just like he saw in the pictures. He wasn’t sure if that’s what Graves wanted from him but he concluded that Percival would correct him if he was doing something wrong.  
Graves got up slowly and came closer to Credence. The wave of shivers crept up the young man’s body once again. His stomach was twisting from this new experience. But Credence wasn’t scared. There was one thought that calmed him down more that anything else.  
_You can stop this at any moment._  
Percival made a few steps around Credence and stopped behind his back. He raised his arm and just using the cushion of his index finger touched the skin under left shoulder-blade. He slowly went downwards and when the finger was somewhere near the kidneys he stroked horizontally towards the backbone. From there he went up, even more gently.  
Credence tensed. He didn’t know what to expect next and he couldn’t bring himself to relax.  
Graves broke the touch and circled around so he was standing in front of Credence.  
“Give me your hands”  
Credence brought his hands from behind his back and his first instinct was to place his wrists and palms down. But Graves didn’t turn them with force.  
“Palms up”  
Percival studied Credence’s face because he knew exactly was he was asking for. If Barebone turns his hands then the scares will be visible. It was a test of trust.  
And to Graves’ surprise Credence obeyed. He did lower his eyes trying not to look at his own hands but he obeyed nonetheless.  
Graves took his right hand which wasn’t damaged. He wrapped both of his hands around it and stroked the skin with his thumbs. Then he let go.  
There was still time to back off.  
Credence stood unaltered.  
Graves placed his palm underneath his left hand. The scar was still red but it was healing. Percival made about dozen notes in his head regarding bondage and handcuffs. No way he was putting any pressure on Credence’s left wrist.  
Then he let go of that arm as well.  
Credence shifted hie weight from one foot to another.  
The scene wasn’t over yet.  
Graves returned to bed and crossed his legs once again.  
“Kneel. Arms behind your back.”  
Credence felt his heat skip a beat and then start pumping blood faster than it did before.  
He bended one of his legs and put it on the floor then following with another leg. It was obvious that he was trying to be graceful. Which he succeeded at.  
Graves looked at the sight in front of him and his breath almost gave him out.  
The young man was standing on his knees, his spine a bit crooked but he visibly tried to make it straight. His arms was behind his back, just as he was told. Long black hair were slightly touching his shoulders. He looked innocent and in need of care. But his eyes. Oh, his eyes. They showed willingness to continue, interest of what comes next , impatience but also…trust. Credence wasn’t afraid. And that thought alone made Graves want to plan dozens of other scenes just to satisfy this interest and make sure that none of unprofessional Doms would spoil the experience of this young man.

“How does it feel, Credence?”  
Barebone was taken aback for a second but he got hold of himself pretty quickly.  
“Good”, and then he added “Sir”  
“You look very nice”  
Credence tore his eyes away but he was smiling.

Graves got up and came closer. He ran his finger through long dark hair without pulling them. There’s always time for that in the future.  
“We will end this scene now. You did well. I want you to think about it later and then tomorrow you will tell me if you liked it or not”  
“I did”, blurted out Credence.  
Percival smiled and placed a kiss to the young man’s forehead.  
“We will still talk about it tomorrow. Now put your clothes on”

 

That night Credence went to sleep with a smile on his face. He didn’t do that for…well, he wasn’t sure he ever did that. And that said something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so interesting to write both Dom's and Sub's actions you have no idea. Or maybe you do. :p  
> Tell me how you feel about this work <3  
> Also feel free to correct mistakes if there are any.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back.  
> i know i said the work would be finished by the end of the january and it's already the second of february and this is just the fourth chapter but well. life and mental health happened.  
> but nobody has time to read my excuses so enjoy the chapter <3

The next day after their first scene was weird.  
As soon as Modesty left and Graves arrived it became even weirder. They didn’t have much time to do anything _unusual_ since Modesty wouldn't be away for a long time.

Credence avoided eye contact but at the same time he tended to be around Graves. He wanted to be closer to the older man. To be there in case Graves decided to give an order. 

Percival seemed calm whereas Credence couldn’t stay in one place. He sat then stood up then sat somewhere else again. He circled around Graves but this time not as a predator as he tried to few days ago.  
Somewhere around twelve, when Graves' shift for the day would be over soon, Percival called Credence. The latter was on the other side of the living room. He shot his head up immediately and studied Percival's face trying to figure out whether it was a call from a caretaker or from a Dom.  
“Come here, please”  
Credence got up and slowly approached Graves.  
“Sir?”, the young man said tentatively.  
“No, it's not the scene. But I can see that you want it. Tomorrow we'll have the whole day. Be ready”  
“'Be ready'...how?”, he couldn't deny the little twist in his stomach from the thought of getting ready for Graves.  
“Take a shower. Put on the fresh clothes. That'd be enough”, Graves gave a warm smile.

Credence couldn't stop thinking about the next day all afternoon.  
When Modesty came home she inquired why her brother was in a such good mood and he had to lie about a successfully developed script. He didn't know whether she believed him or not but she was happy for him and smiled as well. It was nice to see her face bearing different expression rather than it did for the past two years. 

***  
Credence woke up the next day in quite a good mood. When he remembered the planned scene he felt his heart beat faster. His palms became a bit sweaty. But it was a pleasant feeling of anticipation rather than fear. What would Graves order him to do? Will Graves strip himself? Will he let Credence touch him?  
All those questions were running in young man's head but he chose to push them aside and just wait for the scene itself. 

Judging by the sounds from the kitchen Modesty was still at home.  
Credence had breakfast with her and Graves came in right when they were finished.  
Modesty said goodbye and left. They were alone once again.  
Credence suggested tea and Graves accepted it.  
While Percival was occupied Credence decided to take a shower. 

He went to the bathroom and turned on the tap.  
Credence would've sworn he's never tried so hard to clean himself. Everything had to be perfect. He washed his hands first, careful not to touch the scar on the left wrist. Then he soaped his chest, his neck and reached to his back. Shampooing his hair was a bit harder since there were a lot of tangled strands. Water was running down his body washing away soap and foam.  
He washed every inch of his body, sparing even more attention to his genitals. It felt more important than ever to almost squeak from cleanliness. 

As he got out of the shower he put on a fresh white t-shirt and a pair of black pants. After wondering around the room he decided to put on jeans. Drops of water from his hair were dripping on the shirt leaving tiny circles. Credence used a hairdryer so he would be ready sooner.

When he went to the kitchen the cup Graves was drinking from turned out to be empty and clean standing near the sink. Graves himself was sitting at the table scrolling something on his phone. He noticed Credence's presence and shot his eyes up. He put away his phone and gestured towards the chair opposite of him.  
“Take a sit”  
Credence tried not to look desperate and slowly walked towards the table. When he finally sat down Graves started the conversation.  
“As I told you previously we're going to discuss things. Today I would like us to talk about spanking. How do you feel about it?”  
Credence fidgeted in his seat.  
“I don't know...Isn't it for misbehaving kids?”  
“Not only. If you don't want me to use my palm, it's okay. What about crops and whips?”, Graves reached for his bad and took out a black crop which he placed on the table. “I know it may sound scary but I'm just asking whether you want to try it or not”  
Credence didn't tear his eyes away from the crop. He couldn't make up his mind about this thing because it was all new to him.  
“May I?”, he carefully reached with his hand too scared to touch the object without permission.  
“Yes, of course”, Percival moved the crop closer to him.  
Credence took it by the handle and measured its weight. It was heavier than he expected.  
“Some people start with whips and then move to crops. I prefer the other way round. Whips are messy and crops are...well, gentle, even though they hit more painfully”, at this words Credence shifted his attention from the object in his hands to Percival.  
“Then how could they be gentle?”  
“You see that tip?”, Graves pointed to the piece of leather at the top of the crop. “Imagine it touching your skin, studying every curve of your body. It teases but it leaves the distance”, Percival's voice became deeper and Credence could feel it resonate in his own body. Graves noticed the shift in the mood and cleared his throat. “You can't do that with whips”  
Credence put the crop back on the table.  
“I think I want to try it”  
“Very good”, the smile Graves gave out made Credence shiver from the mere thought of what was about to come.

Percival checked his phone, closed his bag and started rolling up the sleeves on his shirt.  
“Go get the room ready like I did the last time”, it did sound like an order although it had more neutral undertones. Credence didn't care about undertones. He stood up and went to his room on slightly shaking legs. 

Curtains were closed. The lamp was on.  
Credence didn't know whether he was supposed to strip, kneel, stand or do something else.  
Fortunately, Graves was at the door with a crop in his hands. He placed in on the table but then he didn't go to the bed like he did previously. 

Percival came closer to Credence who was somewhere in the middle of the room.  
“I want to strip you myself this time. Colour?”  
Credence didn't have to think about the answer. “Green, sir”  
Graves moved to stand in front of Credence. He placed both of his hands that way so his thumbs were touching the young man’s hipbones. He made a small circling motion and then lifted his hands to the hem of the t-shirt. Graves pulled it up slowly exposing the skin. Credence lifted his arms and allowed Percival to remove the piece of clothing.

Graves undone the zipper on the jeans first and after that he did what Credence didn’t expect him to do. He sank to his knees and pulled the denim down from that position.  
Credence was standing still, too afraid to make any movement.  
Graves was in front of him. On his knees. Undressing him.  
Oh.  
Graves looked up.  
Graves look up at him and even though he was standing on his knees he still managed to show his dominance.  
It seemed as if Percival had a cock up his arse he’d still be in control.

Graves stood up and ran his fingers through Credence’s hair that got messier from removing the t-shirt. But he didn’t let go immediately and tugged slightly, not enough to cause pain but enough to show that this is the scene and he’s the Dominant in here.  
Credence tilted his head backwards. The skin in his neck stretched. He swallowed and realized how visible it was.  
Graves was looking at him soaking in every little detail.  
Credence closed his eyes.  
Then suddenly Percival let go of his hair. The young man opened his eyes and saw emptiness in front of him.  
“Take your pants off”, there was an order from behind him. Just as he was about to look at Graves there came another order. “Don’t turn around”  
Credence felt a sting of panic in his guts. Nevertheless he hooked the hem of his pants with his thumbs and pulled them down.  
“Kneel on the edge of the bed, back towards me”  
Credence approached the bed. His heart was pounding so loudly he was sure Graves could hear it. Whether he wanted to admit that or not but he was scared. He put his arms behind him as he did before trying to calm himself down with the familiar movement.

The steps. Then a small pause.  
Suddenly there was an palm on his right shoulder blade. Another palm on his left shoulder.  
“I want to study you, Credence”, low voice, just a bit louder than whisper made the young man shiver.  
Graves untangled his arms and let them hang freely by the sides of his body. The older man put both of his palms at the base of the neck and went down slowly, pressing at the skin just a little to feel the muscles underneath it. He lingered when he reached the breech.  
Two asscheeks were cupped by warm palms of the older man. He squeezed them lightly a few times and let go.  
Graves continued his journey down Credence’s body by lowering his hands on his thighs. He spread them wider and then ordered Credence to put his arms behind him. With this he made few steps back.  
Something was taken from the table.  
The crop.  
Once again there was a rush of panic.  
A tip of the crop touched the outer side of his left thigh. It stroked slowly and disappeared.  
It came back on the inner side of his thigh. The movement was so sudden Credence pressed his legs together and somehow managed to keep balance and not fall.  
He felt his heart in his throat which prevented him from saying anything but he still managed weak “Yellow”  
Graves was there in just a second. He hugged Credence with one hand and put the crop aside.  
“What is wrong?”, he didn’t sound angry by the stopped scene, quite the opposite, he sounded concerned and caring. He made Credence sit on the bed and landed beside him.  
“You…you were behind me. I couldn’t see your face. I mean, I knew it were you but…It felt so distant”, Credence buried his face in his hands.  
“Shh, it’s okay”, Graves wrapped his hands around the young man and pressed him closer to himself.  
_No blindfold then._  
“I’m proud of you, Credence. You used your safe word and you told me what bothered you”, Graves stroked his hair so lightly it made his heart ache. Graves didn’t want to hurt him. He listened to him.

Credence calmed down entirely. He felt like he was taking way too much time in that embrace so he slightly pushed himself away. Graves took the hint and let go of him.  
“Do you want to continue?”  
“Yes”  
Graves smiled and quickly kissed him on the forehead. It was a light and simple action but it had a huge affect on Credence. He wanted to keep going. He wanted to make Graves tell him that he was proud of him once again.  
“Kneel on the floor in front of me”  
Credence slipped from the bed down to the carpet.  
“Closer”  
He moved until his chest was touching Percival’s legs.  
Graves lifted his arm and cupped Credence’s cheek.  
“You’re doing really good”  
Credence felt the warmth go through his body. He started smiling and lowered his eyes.  
Graves retrieved his hand and took the crop.  
“Colour?”  
Credence looked at the object and thought for a moment.  
“Green, sir”, it wasn’t one hundred percent confident but he trusted Graves.

“Move back for a step”  
Credence did as he was told.  
The leather tip touched his cheek right where Graves placed his hand just a minute ago.  
Then it went down to his chest.  
Credence felt it stroke the skin around his nipple. He didn’t dare to look down so he kept observing Graves who had a smirk on his face.  
The crop went lower. Avoiding his cock it touched the skin on the inside of his thigh. Graves was testing his reaction. Credence couldn’t help but swallow. He felt how uneven his breath was.  
The leather went up. It slowly stroked the skin on the inside and then on the front of his leg.  
Suddenly it was no longer touching him. Graves brought it closer to his face and licked the tip.  
And this action alone was enough to catch the breath of the young man but of course that was just the beginning.  
Graves resumed the leather-to-skin contact in a different place.  
The tip of the crop was now touching the cock slightly rubbing it.  
Credence felt warm and sticky saliva. Graves’ saliva. On his cock.  
That surely did the trick and now the blood was rushing to the stimulated organ.  
In just a few moments the crop moved to his chin and lifted it slightly.  
“Touch yourself”  
Graves was making a direct eye contact with him and Credence wasn’t sure he could disobey even if he wanted to.  
He brought one of his hands forward and wrapped it around his half-hard cock starting to stroke it.  
The crop was still holding his chin.  
Graves put the other hand in his pocket and fished out a bottle of lube. He opened it with one hand and turned upside down.  
“Give me your hand”  
Credence stopped and lifted his palm.  
The lube was warm and it had a nice cherry smell. It wasn’t a cheap one you can get in every store.  
“Continue”  
It was much smoother now and Credence quickly felt arousal strengthening.  
“Keep the pace but do not come”

Credence was never forbidden to ejaculate and this denial only brought him closer to orgasm. Although he managed to restrain himself.  
Graves was only making it harder for him by bringing the crop down to his chest and creating some patterns on his skin.

Then the crop was put down.  
A warm hand covered his on the cock.  
Graves was standing on one knee.  
It was all too much.  
A low whisper-like order right at his ear.  
“Come”  
That was it.  
Credence came quietly but his body was massively shaking.  
Graves was holding him by the shoulder with one hand and making a few last strokes with the other.  
After Credence was finished he was lucky to be caught by Graves.  
Percival helped him get up and made him lie on the bed.  
He disappeared for a moment but then came back with washed hands and wet towel which he cleaned Credence with.  
He left the towel nearby so that he wouldn’t need to leave Credence again, he could always bring the towel back to the bathroom later.  
It was time for aftercare.  
“I am so so proud of you”, Graves was laying next to him leaning on the elbow and reassuringly running fingers through his hair. Graves liked young man’s hair and it was obvious.  
Credence was in a sweet state of post-orgasmic euphoria. Hormones were high in his bloodstream making him happy and relaxed. He turned to his side facing Graves and slightly bent his legs.  
Suddenly he touched Graves’ groin with his knee and he realized how hard the other man was. And Credence didn’t even think about him previously. He was enjoying his own orgasm so much that he forgot about reciprocation.  
Barebone reached for the fly on Percival’s trousers but his hands were caught before he could undo it.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I’m…doing my part”, Credence was taken aback by the fact he was stopped.  
“You did all you had to”  
Graves let go of his hands and sat on the bed.  
“But…”, started Credence but then trailed off.  
Graves didn’t want him? Or…what was it exactly?  
Credence decided not to find this out and headed to the shower.

The rest of the day they spent separately.  
In the evening Credence wrote “Stupid” in his diary over and over again until he ran out of space on the page.  
He felt stupid. For thinking Graves would want to have sex with him. The worst thing was that he enjoyed the scene. He enjoyed earning a treat for good work. He even wondered what the punishment could be.  
But now he didn’t want to find out.  
Graves didn’t want his touch. So Credence shouldn’t continue all of this.

 

***

It was a call that woke him up first time. He heard his sister’s voice through his sleeping haze. She sounded upset. Probably. He wasn’t sure. Credence fell back into sleep right away.  
The second time he woke up himself. Credence pulled away the blanket and lowered his feet on the floor. It was very quiet in the house. Way too quiet. The young man got up and felt the panic starting to form in his lungs and his heart. The breathing became more difficult. Credence went out of his room and started looking around the house. The more he walked the harder panic hit him. When he stumbled upon a messy note from his sister he knew he was fucked.  
“Emergency at uni. Sorry.”  
The last “y” was even lacking its tale.

Credence was alone. He was alone in the house. And he shouldn’t be alone under any circumstances.  
He found himself standing in the middle of the kitchen and suddenly in was too big. He felt lost and left alone in the whole world.  
Finally he found powers (or it was just a kick of panic) to sit on the chair. This simple movement grounded him. He felt closer to this house.  
After a minute or so of mental exercises Credence was capable of thinking about what he should do.  
Gathering himself for another trip through the house he stood up.  
Finding a phone was easy. Selecting a contact was easy. Listening to the beeps was less easy. And when Graves picked up Credence realized how hard it was to speak.  
“I’m on my way”  
Barebone didn’t answer. This must have made Graves worry.  
“Credence? Is everything alright?”  
“No”  
A pause.  
“What happened?”  
“I’m alone. I’m alone in the house. There’s no one here. Modesty left because of some emergency and I…there’s…”  
A panic attack began to form.  
“No, listen. I’m here. Credence, do you hear me? I’m talking to you right now so you’re not alone”, background noises let Credence know Graves was in the car and his phone was on a speaker mode. “I’m about twenty minutes away. And we’re going to talk this whole time”  
“Okay”, a hint of hope was present in young man’s voice.  
Graves started with describing the situation on the road, cars that drove in front of him, the weather and other surrounding things. Then he talked about his morning, what he ate that day. It wasn’t an informative conversation but it was definitely working. Credence didn’t feel that alone anymore. Pleasant murmur from his phone was keeping him company. It felt like a single tiny thread that somehow pulled him out.  
Credence went back from his thoughts when there was a pause on the other side of the line.  
“Mr. Graves?”  
“Yeah, I’m here. There was an intense intersection”  
Credence quietly sighed instead of answering.  
“I’m almost there”  
“Good”  
“You know…”, Graves lingered but then continued more confidently. “We are actually very close. Think about space. The planets. Even the Moon. It it the closest natural and most familiar object and yet we are separated by more than two hundred thousand miles”, there was an adoration in his voice. “Two hundred and thirty eight”, he added almost shyly since, apparently, he didn’t want to sound too nerdy but he still couldn’t help it. “In comparison to that we are almost in the same place”  
Credence tried to imagine that kind of scale and failed. Space always made him feel uneasy and adding numbers to it didn’t help much.  
“I’m here” and with that there was a ring at the door.  
Credence startled and ran to the door with the phone still by his ear.  
When he opened the door Graves smiled at him and stepped inside. 

***  
“So you’re a nerd”, Credence said when they were having lunch.  
“I just like space”  
“Nerd”  
“You’re the one writing programs here”  
“And?”, Credence lifted his eyes inviting Graves in this little moment.  
“You’re the nerd”, Percival crooked one corner of his mouth in a enthusiastic smile which might have looked flirty in a way. Was Graves flirting? Well, maybe not intentionally but still…Or maybe he was trying to seem engaged in a conversation and this whole thing they had going.  
And it was pleasant. Credence couldn’t deny he was enjoying the company of the other man. Sometimes he managed to forget Graves was paid to come. That moment he even managed to forget that Graves didn’t want him.

As they were finishing their lunch Modesty stormed in and ran to the kitchen.  
“Thank God you're okay”, she came closer and hugged Credence. “I'm sorry!”, she wrapped her arms around his neck so tightly he was afraid he was about to pass out from the lack of air.  
“I shouldn't have left you alone”, she started kissing his head. “But they called me and I had to run off and I'm so so sorry”, she hugged him again. It wasn't easy for her to stay in the position on half-bent legs but she did her best.  
“It's okay. I called Mr. Graves”  
Modesty finished squeezing her brother and looked at the caretaker. Percival sat with a smile on his face from the scene he just witnessed. The girl smiled at him as well.

Because Modesty came home Graves had to go. It was a pity because he wanted to talk to Credence. To loosen up some tension after the scene and after what happened in the morning. But he guessed the boy would be better with his sister.  
Their relationship wasn't determined from the beginning and now everything was becoming even more complicated. 

As Credence was lying in his bed that night he felt that something was changing. The idea of waking up tomorrow morning was disgusting. Even thought he didn’t go to sleep yet he already didn’t want to wake up.

***  
It’s hard to get up when you feel more like dying. When the action of getting up and doing something doesn’t make much sense to you.  
Credence opened one eye, looked at the light from the window and pulled the duvet over his head.  
“Rise and shine, Creedy”, Modesty popped in the doorway. There was no response and she concluded her brother was still asleep.

After ten or so minutes of preparing breakfast Modesty came back to his room.  
“Come on, it’s already nine”, she sat in his bead and wiggled the lump that was Credence. “I’m hungry, get up, I wanna have breakfast with you”  
“I don’t want to eat”, was a weak response.  
Modesty pulled away the duvet and saw her brother’s face. It showed no emotion. He was staring mindlessly in front of him.  
“Credence?”  
He didn’t react.  
“Oh no”, she said very quietly. “There were meds somewhere here”, she started looking around her trying to find the pills.  
“Just leave me”  
Modesty turned towards him.  
Credence buried his face in the pillow.  
The conversation was over.

Modesty ended up staying at home although Saturday was her work-day. She called and notified her boss about her absence. She was very lucky to have an understanding supervisor who let her stay home at times like this. Modesty never asked but she suspected that person had a similar situation or even worse. She wouldn’t wish for anyone to experience it.  
Modesty also called Graves and told him he wouldn’t be needed that day.  
Surprisingly, Tom came home earlier but he went straight to his bedroom without any word.  
The house was dark and quiet. 

By the evening Credence heard his stomach make rumbling noises but he still didn’t want to eat. Maybe he wanted to cry although he felt way too numb to express anything.  
Somehow he fell asleep.

***  
Credence didn't even know how he made it until Sunday.  
At night he woke up a few times trying to understand where he was. And why he was still alive.  
In the morning he got up and took his pills firstly. It dawned down on him that he spent the whole day without medication and he hoped it wouldn’t end badly for him.  
A quick breakfast and the Barebones were on their way to the doctor.  
Mrs. Pomfrey saw right at the start of his visit that he wasn’t okay. But he didn’t know the reason for his fucked up state. He knew it was one of those periods but he failed to find the reason.  
“Did you have any interactions that may have left you particularly emotional?”  
_Oh, shit._  
It was about Graves.  
And how the hell was he supposed to tell his doctor about it?  
“Oh, yeah, I did. You know, my caretaker doesn’t want to have sex with me”  
Fucking great.  
“No”  
She sighed very quietly.  
They talked for a while but it wasn’t much of a conversation. In the end Mrs. Pomfrey told him to take one of the medication in double dose in the evening and let him go.  
But before he went out of her office she added “You need to talk to someone, Credence. If not me, then somebody else. Your sister. Mr. Graves. Or even a stranger in the internet if it’ll make you feel better. Don’t bottle it up. Or it will drown you”

 

***  
In the evening Credence went to the kitchen with two pills in his hand to pour himself some water.  
Modesty was in the room as well sitting at the table and writing what seemed like an essay.  
She looked up at him when he entered and asked “How do you feel?”  
Credence took the pills, put the glass in the sink and stood still for a moment.  
“Not good. I’m not good”  
Modesty stopped writing and got up.  
“Do you feel like talking?”  
Credence nodded.  
They went to Modesty’s room. Credence was sure he was ready to talk right until the moment he ended up next to his sister on her bed.  
She saw his struggle and started to talk first.  
“We writing this essay now…It’s about our attitude towards Schrödinger’s theories. The teacher told us to read his work and tell what we think. I mean, it’s kinda silly since we are not exactly physicists but it’s pretty interesting”  
Credence attempted to smile but he knew it would be unsuccessful.  
“Chastity would’ve loved it. But she _was_ a physicist”  
“I miss her”  
“Me too”, Modesty added quieter.  
“God, I miss her so much, - that statement must have removed some obstacle in Credence’s head and the words just flowed out of him after that, - If she was here it would’ve been easier. And I wouldn’t have that stupid scar. You would’ve have to worry about me. I ruined everything. I’m sorry”  
“No, no, you didn’t ruin anything Credence”, she hugged him tightly. “It’s not your fault, it never was and it never will be”  
Modesty felt her brother shake from crying and she just kept hugging him and not letting him go.  
“I’m so fucked up”  
“We all are”  
They sat in silence which was only broken by occasional loud sobs from Credence.  
“I’m sorry”, he said again and moved away from the hug.  
“Don’t be. The worst past is long over. We’ll learn how to live with it. Slowly but we will”, she took away the strands on his face that got stuck because of tears.  
“Thank you”, he hugged her again.

It didn’t suddenly become absolutely better. His state wasn’t fixed entirely. But instead of numbness he felt calm. And at least he managed to fall asleep that night without hours and hours of tossing in bed and hating himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments on mistakes and your general attitude towards this work is highly appreciated.


End file.
